Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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