Someone shit on the floor
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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