What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
