She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
