I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
