just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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