just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
