No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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