I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
