I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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