I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
