Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
