Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
