We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
