We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
