Barsexuality is the new black.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
