i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
