the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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