how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
