did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
