I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
