he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
