Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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