You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
