he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
