Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
