Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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