Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
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