So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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