I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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