I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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