I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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