12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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