At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
