the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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