mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
