Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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