You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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