i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
