I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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