My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
