When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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