i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My liver is preforming stress tests.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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