I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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