Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
