I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
