yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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