theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
