so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
