Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
