he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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