I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You can't special order awesome
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
