we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
